Do you feel like you have to be perfect?
April 15, 2015
The most successful people I know are comfortable sucking at a lot of things -- maybe most things. But they’re really, really good at a couple of things…and they ooze confidence.
They also appear to have one hell of a good time. Infectious laughter? They have you covered.
If you were great at everything -- as if that’s possible -- wouldn’t you feel pressured to be an accomplishment factory?
I like having a narrow band of things I’m good at. It’s easier to decide what to focus on. It also helps the people in my orbit. They can rely on me for what I excel at. And they love that I need them, too -- for all the ways they’re amazing.
Are you feeling overwhelmed?
April 14, 2015
A juggler, I’m not.
I don’t know how to keep more than a few plates spinning. And isn’t it funny that’s what Katie -- as a little kid -- wanted to be when she grew up? A plate spinner! Doctor, lawyer, veterinarian? Forget about it. Too boring. She eventually became one heck of a plate spinner, though not in the way we imagined. But I digress.
As Katie grew up I quickly realized I couldn’t be the wife and mother and journalist I wanted to be without saying no to almost everything else. I didn’t host lavish parties or even make it to lunch with my girlfriends more than once or twice a year. I was faithful to workouts and appointments with doctors. Otherwise? It could wait.
And it did.
So I find myself with a few projects that don’t look particularly surmountable in this lifetime. They still matter, though -- so almost every weekday I make a dent in at least a few of them. Just the teeniest, tiniest little dent. Slow progress, to be sure -- but I’m a little bit lighter almost every day.
What direction are you trending?
Are you a critical thinker?
April 13, 2015
Once upon a time Darrell and I made the acquaintance of someone who’d been on one of those reality TV shows -- and who isn’t a fan of one of the stars. We weren’t inclined to love said star, not that we gave him more than a moment’s thought. But as we got to know our acquaintance just a little better, he started to annoy. Which put Reality TV Star Man in a different light, a better one.
Which was…not logical. Just because one problem person has an issue with another problem person doesn’t mean either one of them is less of a problem.
Why chew on this for even a few paragraphs? Because assumptions can be costly, that’s why. Someone once told me he was sure his correspondence wasn’t too wordy because no one had ever complained about it. I’m still taking that in. As if people can be counted on to go to that trouble! It’s an assumption I’m not comfortable making. People are busy. Get to the point, and get to it quickly. Show me that courtesy. If you don’t, I won’t be conflicted about moving on -- and I’m certainly not going to give you some writing tips as I do.
How willing are you to work?
April 9, 2015
When Katie got her heart set on NYU she knew she was signing up for a lot of work. My most vivid memories of her in high school are saying goodnight to her at eleven or so, knowing she had hours of homework ahead of her. It hurt to watch. Oh, it hurt. And you know what she worried about? Me. Me worrying about her. “Please don’t worry about me, Mom,” she’d say, every time. “I’m doing this because I want to. It’s worth it to me.”
Every weekday morning at six I’d tiptoe into her bedroom to kiss her forehead and wake her up as gently as I could. With two exceptions -- and both of them because she was sick -- she greeted me with the biggest, brightest smile. She was usually exhausted from a night I just described. But there she was, smiling at me. She was exhausted but she was ready to start the day all over again, and -- this is so important -- be such a good kid about it.
She’d do her day at school, thanking every teacher after every class for the privilege of being in it. She’d go to a tennis match in the afternoon and be such a good sport parents of the other kids would tell Darrell and me they looked forward to being at Katie’s high school just to hang around her for a while. She’d run lights at play practice and stay longer than anyone to help clean up or whatever. Then she’d come home and study for a test.
I’m not going to lie. The life I have at the moment is so different from the one I want it’s difficult to imagine pulling it off. There’s so much work to do, and so much to learn. But I owe it to both Katie and me. There’s no better way to honor the privilege of having watched her grow up than by making something really special of my own life.
photo courtesy of Katie Anderson
How do you approach the game of life?
April 8, 2015
When Katie was nine she decided she wanted to go to NYU.
Let’s put that in perspective. I couldn’t bring myself to put away my display of Barbies until I was twelve. But our little sweetheart decided at the ripe old age of nine she wanted the heck out of our little town. Way out.
She waited five years to tell us. Five years! We were on a tour of the campus on the sweetest summer afternoon before she started high school. Exactly one minute into the tour I didn’t know what her plans were, but I wanted to go to NYU. How could you walk through Greenwich Village and not want to live there?
I’ll never forget the look on Katie’s face when she asked me if it was okay to dream about that.
Can you imagine? It wasn’t, “Can I go to school here?” It was, “Is this okay to dream about?”
Oh, honey. Of course.
We bought her an NYU backpack, I put an NYU bookstore bookmark near my desk where I’d see it all the time, I even changed the background on the computer I’m still working on to a photo of the two of us in the fountain on campus -- the photo on this page, by the way.
We didn’t know how things would unfold. No one ever does. But really good things start with a dream. Katie was one of those. The life she has now is another.
I’m a big fan of imagining the best life can be and living into that vision. Once upon a time I had a dream I was about to give birth to the sweetest little girl, and everything about being her mom was going to be so fun and so easy.
That dream came true, and so did Katie’s. Next up, a little more of the rest of that story.
photo courtesy of Katie Anderson
How do you put people at ease?
April 7, 2015
Darrell and I were about to knock off work early on a recent Sunday evening, and by that I mean eight as opposed to ten or eleven. We were going to watch a little TV -- just the teeniest, tiniest little bit -- and had already decided where.
“There’s no wrong answer,” he said as we got ready to head out. “But would you rather go somewhere else?”
Which told me two things. He remembered the original plan, and he was ready to improve on it -- but no pressure.
Suddenly it occurs to me how much time we spend trying to guess the right answer, or spin what we worry is the wrong answer in a way that doesn’t offend. Darrell saved me that trouble.
Okay, granted. The “no wrong answer” originated with me. I started that. But he remembered to use it!
What gives you hope?
April 6, 2015
The most amazing thing to me about kids today is how they’d ever want to grow up.
Look around. In the mall, at your office, wherever you hang out when you’re supposedly having a great time. Look into the eyes of the people you’re surrounded by. Are they sparkling? Do those people seem happy to be alive? Really, truly happy? Or do they seem resigned to a life of disappointment, ready to make fun of you for knowing it doesn’t have to be that way?
Don’t bore yourself to death. Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t do it to your kids. Give your kids a reason to want to grow up.
You’ll all be happier. I promise.
What would your hero do?
April 2, 2015
The woman at Best Buy was wearing a coat I couldn’t stop looking at. That color! Imagine a combination of the brightest blue with the deepest, most beautiful purple and you might understand why I felt so drawn to it. The world would be a better place, I decided, if someone spilled a planet-sized can of this color paint on it.
“What do I do now?” I wondered. To walk away from that burst of happy without saying thanks felt wrong. I told Darrell. He smiled. And we both said it at once: “If Katie was here she’d say something.”
So I did. I walked up to Purple Coat Woman and the gal she was talking with, made a move like I wanted to tap her on the shoulder, and excused myself for interrupting. I pointed to her coat and said that was the prettiest color I’d ever seen. “I thought I had a beautiful coat,” I added, pointing to mine. “But that was before I saw yours.” Pause. “So thanks.” And then, teasing her, “Thanks a lot.”
And that was it.
Was it the right thing to do? If you could’ve seen the sparkle in her eyes as she started laughing you wouldn’t have to ask!